Cheese Fairy

Three months almost to the day and here I am, writing again.... I don't even know if this is the best outlet for what I'm about to tell you all, but I had to get this out there and this is the best forum I know.

You know what really DOES NOT grind my gears?

Apparently I have a cheese fairy!

I got up from my desk today to go get some tea (I have a bit of a sore throat today, though that's not really an excuse considering I do drink tea everyday) and when I returned there was a whole bag of Mini Babybel Bonbel cheese wheels! I don't socialize with very many people in my office so I don't think people really understand my love for cheese. I mean, the other day I went to a Spelling Bee(r) at a bar and on the sign up sheet they asked me what my favorite thing was and naturally I wrote cheese. I LOVE CHEESE. And I'm not afraid to say it. It's my one true love. It's never cheated on me, moved to Texas, or stared at another girl's ass. It's good to me, and in return I'm good to it. I love to eat cheese with pretzels, on sandwiches, in burritos, cheese in soup or even cheesy soup, I mean I can eat cheese on/with anything, even if it doesn't make sense to you laymen.

So this brings me all to the obvious conclusion of the mysterious bag o'cheese: I have a cheese fairy. And yes, it's ok to be jealous of me. I'm kind of jealous of me.

I dunno... I don't really like birthdays....

Don't call this a comeback because there's a good chance it will be another 5 months before I post again...

BUT you know what really grinds my gears???

People who "don't like" holidays, birthdays, etc.

I understand if you're a Jehovah's Witness (well strike that, I don't really understand Jehovah's Witnesses....) and it's because your religion forbids you from any form of celebration. Or perhaps you're 38, single, living alone with your 4 cats after your husband left you for his 21 year old receptionist and you hate Valentine's day. Or you're a rather short man with red bushy hair who has an affinity for top hats and green vests and you hate St. Patty's. I'll even give people who have speech impediments a pass to hate Talk Like a Pirate Day. But why hate Christmahanakwanzika? Or your birthday? Or any other joyous occasion that is an excuse to celebrate and be with those you care about?

So what that in Pop-Pop's Rum and Coke fueled bender he spilled red wine all over mom's antique lace table cloth. Or that you're turning 28, big woop. And I don't care that your birthday is over Christmas break and you always feel a little cheated that it's so close to that one guy, Jesus', birthday. And if you're my boyfriend? I want you to do something stupidly cheesy for Valentine's Day. Saying it's a holiday created by the greeting card industry is a cop out and it will not work with me. Otherwise, I'd like to reintroduce you to an old friend of yours, your right hand.

Your family is no less insane, dysfunctional, or dramatic than Tiger and Elin Wood's or more than the Cleavers. It's all relative (pun intended!! ha, get it?). And as my mother always said, you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family. So let your friends you "picked" throw you a birthday party, get your girlfriend her favorite flowers for V Day, dress up like Kate Gosselin for Halloween, and for allah's sake, make an effort to see your fam on TGiving/Christmas. Because the alcohol induced screaming, Go Fish playing, and snide remarks wouldn't be the same without you.

Peace and Love.

-GLittle

PS Happy Birthday Steve-O. Thanks for not hating today.

Moving is a bitch.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Moving.

If moving was a dude, I'd kick him so hard in the nuts, there would be no chance for procreation. You would think that since moving into the dorms as a bright eyed freshman and now I'm on my 13th move, I'd be a pro, aint no thang but a chicken wang, right? Wrong. Moving is a bitch. It's a big fat bitch. It's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. If there ever was a bitch, it's the biggest bitch. It's a bitch to all the boys and girls. I have to have my shit done by the end of the night tonight or I'm F'd in the A. Bleh.

And for those of you who are in the same miserable situation, here's a tip: Don't put all your boxes in one box.

If you really love me...

If you really love me then you will buy me this t-shirt:

Statement Cookies

You know what really grinds my gears?

Statement Cookies.

What's a Statement Cookie you might ask? It's that little cookie at the bottom of your Chinese takeout bag that has a little piece of paper in it that is NOT a fortune. Instead of a something premonitory such as: "You will meet someone special soon." It says bullshit like: "You are a driven person, keep it up." Thanks Statement Cookie, I realize I'm a motherfucking driven person NOW, but I want to know what happens NEXT, like a FORTUNE Cookie is supposed to tell me.

Honestly I would prefer any fortune over a statement even if it was any of these (TRUE!) examples:

-You will be invited to a Karaoke party

-Your present plants will succeed

-A nice cake is waiting for you

-Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today

-You may attend a party where strange customs prevail

-You are going to have new clothes

-You will get a cat to lower your stress level

-You are going to get fat and lose your hair
-You will receive a fortune (cookie)

Keep it in the hourglass

You know what really grinds my gears?

Sand.

This is one of huge debate. I know a lot of people will claim my aversion to sand comes from growing up in a landlocked state with my closest body of water being the Rez... But I kind of feel that my reasons and scenarios in which I hate sand would apply regardless of where I grew up.

I don't know how else to explain it better than I did in a conversation with my friend and fellow *occasional* blogger, SO:

GLittle:

and as much as i hate sand, i feel like i should live by the ocean once in my life

SO:

you hate sand? what the hell is wrong with you?
i thought you wanted to be a beach bum

GLittle:
right. i like the ocean. but i just hate sand.
i mean i can usually put up with it
but i still hate it

SO:
i suppose you enjoy peanut butter and hate jelly
or love cheese but hate ham

GLittle:
like pb&j, hate ham

SO:
or tofu ham

GLittle:

hahaha no such thing

SO:

yet

GLittle:
true
i should invent it, make millions
then i can move somewhere exotic with sand and have someone put down some of that spongy stuff that all playgrounds are built on these days

SO:

ha

GLittle:
so when i get in and out of the water and i don't have to touch the sand

SO:
i think you should no longer be able to claim a love of the ocean if you hate sand. they are one in the same

GLittle:
i don't agree
i don't mind wet sand when i'm wet
and i don't mind dry sand when i'm not wet or clammy or drinking a perspiring beverage
but dry sand/wet body=hatred for sand
well and i hate sand down my shirt, in my shoes, anywhere else it catches.
dry sand, dry body

SO:

i hear there are these crazy new things called towels. they stop you from being wet, hence sand won't stick to you

GLittle:

BUT walking from the water to the towel, WHICH by the way is usually covered in dry sand, means i still get dry sand stuck on my wet body
Thus the playground spongy stuff is a perfect solution

SO:

i find that argument week and unconvincing

GLittle:

fair enough, i'm not trying to turn you off of sand. i never try to force my beliefs on others, but i stand by what i said. my name is GLittle and i hate sand.

*Footnote: The medical term for fear of sand is Eremikophobia. I don't have that. I can't even pronounce that. Ornithophobia? Perhaps... but I might go as far as saying GLittle isn't afraid of anything, so probably not.

Plain Clothed Ninja

Every now and then a person comes around and changes you. Today and for me, that person is Damien Walters. A man with the most amazing ninja skills I have ever seen. I salute you, Damien Walters, the plain clothed ninja extrodinaire!

ROCKTARDS

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that Brad Hawpe has a Nickelback song for his up-to-bat song.

Here's a little diddy about Brad Hawpe and a Nickelback song....

I was lucky enough to be able to attend two Rockies games this weekend and see three players who will be competing in tonight's MLB All Star game: The Rockies' Brad Hawpe and Jason Marquis, and Atlanta's Brian McCann. On Saturday night, I was sitting up in the 3rd deck eating a soft pretzel dipped in a cheese cup and drinking my 11teenth beer when I thought I might have heard what sounded like Brad Hawpe walking up to bat while Nickelback's "Rock Star" blared in the background. Fortunately I was 15 sheets to the wind and was able to push it out of my mind.

Sunday, after obliterating my memory the night before, I settled into shaded, first deck seats with my brother and 92 year old grandfather with a new soft pretzel, new cheese cup, and this time a gigantic diet coke, hoping for a Rockies win. Low and behold Brad Hawpe approaches home plate and what do I hear in my hungover and pounding head? 'Rock Star' by none other than Nickleback. As you can imagine, this greatly upsets me. I explode at TLittle, "Are you fucking serious? Our All Star representative has a NICKELBACK song for his at-bat music? You've got to be fucking kidding me. No, this won't do. I will not let Brad Hawpe represent me, my team, and the whole goddamn state of Colorado if he listens to Nickelback." Then slowly, my ears began to bleed from Chad Kroeger beginning to belt out the few vowels and consonants he ever learned in his life... Not really, but it felt like it...

TLittle tried to defend him by saying, "I don't know that that is really his song, sometimes they just play random music." I took this into account because we had already heard around six MJ songs. I settled back into my chair, absorbing the other batter's song choices. Obviously Todd Helton has a great country song and pleasingly Garrett Atkins had Timbland's 'What I are' playing as he approached the plate. I waited anxious and hopeful that when Hawpe came back around, the song playing would be anything, ANYTHING but Nickelback... alas, "We all just wanna be big rocktards etc etc other poetic lyrics" came playing yet again. I was crushed. Why Brad Hawpe? Why????

Awesomeness

You know what really doesn't grind my gears?

These Ninja parents.

Don't worry. I'm not out of original material nor things that do grind my gears. I have just been lucky enough to stumble across a few gems as of late.

Stop in the name of grammar!

You know what really doesn't grind my gears?

This T-Shirt:

My pal Young Leighzy pointed it out to me today. I was going to say that if any of you people loved me, you would buy it for me. But as I was writing this post, TLittle bought it for me. He's the coolest.

No talking in the toilet room

You know what really grinds my gears?

When other women try to socialize with me in the bathroom.

When I go to the bathroom, or restroom, if you will, I am there for one purpose and one purpose only. No need to expand on what that purpose is you all get the idea. The majority of the time, I can go in there sit in my stall, come out, wash my hands, and leave. But I'm starting to notice an increase in those who want to make small talk, ask me questions, and even ask me to do something work related for them. Once a woman even dared to guess who I was while we were both sitting next to each other based on what shoes I had on!

"Mary? Is that you next to me? I think those are your shoes!"

"Fuck off lady, it's not Mary, and I'd rather NOT get into an awkward conversation with you about how fucking socially retarded you are for even trying that in the first place."

At what point did the bathroom stop being a safe haven and retreat and start becoming a social atmosphere? And I'm not at a bar with friends and we're not gossiping about the stupid shit girls gossip about in the bathroom. No one is doing my hair or lending me cute super-glittery lip gloss. No. It's 2:30 in the afternoon. We're in an office building. Don't talk to me.

Girls, am I crazy? Does anyone else notice this trend?
Guys, has this ever been an issue?

A Gear Grinder's Dream

I have a dream that one day everyone will stop misusing you're, your, they're, their, there, were, we're, alot, a lot, and act like we all have at least a middle school education. And that everytime will finally be recognized as the real word that it is.

I have a dream that Kanye West and Luke Walton will fall in love, but due to the unfortunate and ridiculous fact that Americans are still not completely OK with interracial, homosexual relationships, the two star crossed lovers will decide to give up all the fame and money for their love and move to France and stay there. Quietly. No basketball, music or blogging.

I have a dream that one day my kitty will stop being a psycho, attack-kitty bitch!

OH I HAVE A DREAM TODAY!

I have a dream that identical twins will unite across the planet with a message to us all that they have joined hands and decided to dress identically every.damn.day.

I have a dream that hipster Mac users, ultimate tools, douchebag McGee's, That Guy, Sarah Palin look-alike Tina Fey, people who don't give courtesy waves, and neo-radical-progressive-hippies will all be sucked into a vortex and end up on Plant I-think-I'm-too-cool-for-you and stay there forever trying to out-cool each other all day, everyday. One day they'll all die off from exhaustion from coolness exercises and they'll never reproduce on Planet Earth.

I have a dream that people will stop being so goddamn annoying and grinding my gears so hard (that's what she said) everyday that I walk this beautiful earth. And when that happens!!!.... you all will be sad because you won't have anything so hilariously funny to read 2-3 times a week. Ahhh fucktarts, it's not happening anytime soon... A girl can dream though, can't she?

Really? Still? Cap?

You know what STILL really grinds my gears?

The Rally Cap.

Last night, at the Shady Pony softball game, a couple of my wonderful teammates thought it would be cute to don the Rally Cap at the top of the 7th inning when we were down by 6 runs. I told them they looked stupid because, well, they did. Then they told me I was fired from the Dark Horse. I responded: "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! I QUIT!" But of course, they can't fire me, I don't even work at the Dark Horse....

Rally Caps even look stupid on babies.

You don't even know the Devil....

You know what really grinds my gears?

The Devil's advocate.

No, not the movie. When someone says, "I'm just going to play the Devil's advocate here," they are pretty much saying, "I think your argument is faulty, I don't want to cause tension by telling you that, so I'm going to cover my ass with an overused term that pretty much means shit." If you really don't agree, sack up, grow some balls, and get into with me. Don't bring the Devil into it, it's you. And you are being fucking obnoxious.

Now and again someone really does just try to 'play the Devil's advocate' by creating turmoil by bringing up something whether they agree with it or not. Now that's just arguing for the sake for arguing, which is just plain stooopid.

Sry, I cnt undrstnd U

You know what really grinds my gears???

Text message and instant message short hand.

If I say: "What are you up to right now?"

And you say: "Jus chillen atm common ova"

I read it as: "Just chilling at the automated teller machine with the common ovaries."

I mean, I know that doesn't make sense. But for it to actually mean: "Just chilling at the moment, come on over." is shenanigans to me!!! Let's break it down:

Jus=Just: Ok, I can live with that because my 't' is a little sticky on my Blackjack II keyboard so my 'justs' occasionally turn in 'jus.'

chillen=chilling: If you HAVE to abbreviate, can't you abbreviate it properly by just dropping the 'g' instead of dropping the 'g' AND replacing the 'i' with an 'e?'

atm=at the moment: The first time I saw this one, I had to text the person back and ask what exactly atm meant because atm to me has always meant the machine that gives me money.

common=come on: Errrrrrg this one is awful on a whole different level because it is a perfectly good word being used as a retarded abbreviation for two different words that have no relation WHATSOEVER to the word in misuse. Common means ordinary, regular, general, etc. NOT come on. There aren't even two m's in come on!!! COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!

ova=over: Don't try to be gangsta and turn 'er' into 'ah.' It's just stupid.

A few more abbreviations that get me scratching my head/pulling my hair out:

LOL: Only use lol if you are actually lol'ing. Don't use it as an awkward way to try to add humor to a statement you've made. It's like an awkward giggle when you know you've said something stupid. Just don't say anything stupid that you need to cover up with an awkward laugh. That's the beauty of text and IM is that you have time to decide what you are going to write in order to avoid said awkwardness...
ROFL/ROLF: No one rolls on the floor and laughs past age 3. I like ROLF better because it's like "what you've said is so funny I'm going to ROLF rooooooolfffffff."

Sry: That's like a halfassed apology where you mutter it under your breath and don't make eye contact. Don't apologize if you don't mean it. And if you mean it, say SORRY.

2nite: Yuck, I'm not hanging out with you tonight.

Tho: Just read this.

LMAO: LAME is how it translates to me.

R/U: Shortening a 3 letter word to a 1 letter word really just doesn't make sense to me.

NEWAY: You are really only dropping one letter, the 'a' AND you're adding an 'e' that doesn't need to be nor does belong there.

I'm sorry people. I really must be the exception to this new language our laziness is reducing us to using. Because 80% of my friends (including the intelligent ones who read my blog) use shorthand. I plan on never stopping using full sentences, proper grammar, and correct spelling even if it is in the casual arena of text or IM. Because to me, there are some things I never want to see die out, like the polar bears, chivalry, blow jobs, and proper grammar.