Side Mouth Mama

You know who really grinds my gears?

Mandy Moore.


*I was going to wait to post this until I found a perfect video of what I'm about to explain, but I couldn't and my gears kept grinding and grinding so I had to post it now, I might find a video later*

She's really not all that bad, I mean she definitely had her work cut out for her to break out of the bubblegum wrapper her label put her in when she was 15 and just coming onto the scene. BUT her damn mouth when she sings pisses me off! She sings out of the side of her mouth! She looks like she had a stroke at age 19 and one side of her face just doesn't work. It's simply nonsensical.



And trust me, in this picture, she's singing out out the side of her mouth, trust me...

Jessica Blows

You know who really grinds my gears?

Jessica Biel.

I met her when I was like, 10, at our local shopping mall (because she's from my town, yes MY town) and I asked her for an autograph because like any 10 year old girl at the time, I was an obsessive 7th Heaven fan. She scoffed at me and told me she was too busy. Bitch please. You are famous for playing a rebellious preacher's daughter and a coked up sorositute in The Rules of Attraction. You are not a serious, nor talented actress, so stop trying to act like you are. Lose the 'tude, dude


Oh and she's dating JT. And any whore who's macking on MY man, is on the shitlist.

The City of Brotherly Boos

You know who really grinds my gears?

Jimmy Rollins

Last week on “The Best Damn Sports Show Period” Rollins was quoted as saying, “They’re frontrunners (meaning the Philly fans)… When you’re doing good, they’re on your side. When you’re doing bad, they’re completely against you.” Now Jimmy, you’ve got to know better than that. You’re in your eighth season with the Phillies and by now you have to understand that you play in a city with the most ridiculous fans in all of sports. When given the chance to retract his statement before the homestand against the Washington Nationals on Tuesday, Rollin’s used one of the most overused and confusing phrases that athletes seem to love when he said, “It is what it is.” What does that even mean? So last night, in the popcorn box that is Citizens Bank Park, the Philly fans booed Rollin’s when he was introduced for his first at bat and really let him have it after he lined out to right field. Now with all that being said, is what Jimmy said wrong? No. The sports fans of Philadelphia are some of the most passionate that you will ever come across, but they make the mistake of alienating their best players from time to time, just ask Donovan McNabb. Rollins was the MVP of the national league last year for god’s sake. He single handedly carried his team past the choking Mets at the end of the season when the Phillies were stuck with a slumping Ryan Howard and sans (their best player) Chase Utley. These are the same fans that feverishly cheered the apparent paralysis of Michael Irvin’s career ending play in 1999 and once threw snowballs at poor old Santa Clause. Now if the Phillies manage to soar past the Mets again, then all will be forgiven and the fans will pretend this never happened. But why stir the pot in the first place?

Rays Fever Baby!

You know who really grinds my gears?

Fans of (or lack thereof) the Tampa Bay "Devil" Rays

Come on guys, your team began a series last night against the Angels of Anaheim and up for grabs is the best record in all the land. You showed your excitement by showing up in full force. A measly 15,896 people witnessed the important victory in the first of a three games series. That’s just about 45% of capacity at the warehouse looking home you call Tropicana Field. To make things worse, the number of seats in the joint have been lowered by nearly 10,000 in recent years to create the mirage that there are more people in attendance. Living in Colorado, I know what it’s like to rather watch a baseball game on the couch with my hand down my pants than be caught dead at the ballpark. But even after years of sub-par baseball, when the time came for “Rocktober,” the fans came out in drones, jumping on the bandwagon so fast that I was certain the chassis would break. Please, I beg you to follow in the steps of your beloved Rays’ biggest fan, Dick Vitale, and support the best story in baseball this year. If you don’t, I’m sure Oklahoma City wouldn’t mind adding a baseball team to its budding sports scene.

I’ll Stroke your Back

You know who really grinds my gears?

Natalie Coughlin

Natalie is an American swimmer, specializing in the backstroke, currently participating in the Olympics and the way her last name is pronounced bugs the crap out of me! Her name is pronounced kawg-lin as opposed to cof-lin and it bothers me to no end because I can’t stop mispronouncing her name. Why can’t you pronounce it like Tom Coughlin, head coach of the New York Giants, does? I don’t care if the way he pronounces his name is incorrect; it’s what I’m used to and I hate things I’m not familiar with. Besides, the word "cough" isn't pronounced "kawg."

Eureka! I have a solution to this problem, Marry Me! It’s a win-win situation. You become Natalie Littlehales, ending further confusion on the pronunciation of your silly last name and I’m Married to an Olympic gold medalist. Think about it…

Ocho-Sink-O

You know who really grinds my gears?

Chad Johnson

This mother fucker had the audacity of saying he was faster in the pool than Michael Phelps! Saying on PTI, (Pardon The Interruption) “there’s no competition where he is,” meaning the Olympics. “I was the three-times Charles Hadly school champ…Some of the best people in the world are the people who aren’t able to make it to that level.” I’m guessing that even in the shit-hole that Liberty City is, they time and record the swimming events and last time I checked, there weren’t any world records being smashed at Charles Hadly. He went on to say, “I know a couple of people that could beat Michael Phelps right now… and I’m one of them.” Chad, you need to shut the hell up and go back to racing horses with a ridiculous head start, keeping cars that you were supposed to give away and planning your end zone celebrations, because they really fell off as the season progressed last year.

Welcome me with open arms or my gears will grind all over you!

I would like to start off by thanking Gracie for letting me contribute to her blog for the next several weeks. I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands and I figured this would be an easy way to kill it. Chances are that most of my “Gear Grinders” will come from the sports world considering that much of my life revolves around sports and the people in them. I figured I’d start with an easy one:

You know who really grinds my gears?

The Monfort Brothers

Dick and Charlie Monfort are the owners of the Colorado Rockies. They suck. To begin with, they don’t have enough money to be big-time franchise owners. A sports team for a really really rich guy is not supposed to be their main source of income; it’s supposed to be their toy or hobby, like fantasy leagues are for idiots. Richard and Chuck are absolute amateurs when it comes to running a baseball team, case in point the ticket fiasco during the World Series last year. Who doesn’t let the home town fans have first dibs on tickets? They refuse to believe that the ridiculous run the Rockies went on last year was a fluke and proved that by not spending a dime on any talent outside of the organization (i.e. pitchers). They don’t have the money to keep their best player in Matt Holliday and he will certainly be moving to greener, as in money, pastures soon. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Rockies, I root for them, but if the Monforts think that I’m gonna spend a single penny that could possibly end up in their pockets then they’re dreaming. So I ask you guys to please do the city of Denver and the baseball fans of Colorado a solid and sell the team to that Russian billionaire guy that was willing to give you $1.50 on the dollar for the team two years ago.

You know WHO really grinds OUR gears?

Starting today for the next two months, my brother will be joining me in the Blogosphere to help me create the most extensive list of "Who Grinds Our Gears" that the world has ever seen.

To get things started in true Grinds My Gears fashion.... You know who really grinds my gears?

Rebecca Adlington.

She clearly hit every branch falling out of the ugly tree and I'm surprised she was able to edge Katie Hoff with the drag that her gigantic hose of a nose must create.

Fuck you Comcast!

You know what really grinds my gears?

Non-responsive boxes.

I'm sitting here trying to watch Michael Phelps make history on a 56 inch Panasonic Plasma with 1080i and apparently I have a non-responsive box. What the fuck Comcast, what is a non-responsive box? What the hell does that even mean??? According to my tech guy "Jim," it's "quite an unfortunate situation."

Thanks, Jim.

Bacon

You know what really grinds my gears?

Bacon!!

What's the big deal about bacon? I feel like in the last year bacon has become "cool." What makes bacon so cool? I mean, it's fatty pig meat. FATTY PIG MEAT! Who cares if it's delicious, it's not cool.

Oh and by the way, Kevin Bacon has never been cool.