I'm so cliche

You know what really grinds my gears?

That I am now head over heels, obsessively, like scary he should probably take out a restraining order on me even though I haven't stalked him and probably won't, in love with Robert Pattinson.

I broke down and watched Twilight on NinjaVideo last night (no, don't worry, I didn't actually pay to go see it) really just to see what the hype was all about. I ended up feeling like I got hit in the face with a Tiger Beat magazine because I had such a tween level crush, scratch that, love for Edward Cullen and the man that plays him. Oh Robert, take me away on your back and let's climb the trees of the Pacific Northwest together forever, I don't care if you'll never be older than 17, it's legal in most states for us to be together...... siiiiiigh....

ALWAYS CHOOSE ROCK!

I realize that my blog is a constant rant of sorts and so where better to post my favorite rant of all time then my blog entitled, "You know what really grinds my gears???" I'm not sure where this came from, I don't think I wrote it, actually I'm positive that I didn't. BUT I agree with it one hundred and ten percent!

You know what really grinds my and some tortured soul's gears?

This does:

"I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there’s no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why aren’t sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why, because paper can’t beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit I’m sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole."

Pamphlet

You know what really grinds my gears?

The word pamphlet.

It seriously makes my stomach churn to type it. It might possibly be worse than the word 'pond.' Ok I overdid it, I need to vomit pamphletness all over a pond! Ahhh seriously, I'm sick now.

KazooKeylele

I don't know what it is to have two of my own of these so close together, I must be in a decent mood.... BUT this is well worth it and rather a beautiful example of a very talented human being... I also realize that I probably already sent this to the majority of the people that read my blog, but for those who haven't seen it, prepare to be amazed, and those who have? Revel once again in the pure awesomeness.

You know what doesn't grind my gears?

This Guy:

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Enjoy :)

Get your ups down and your downs up

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people say "I'm going down to Fort Collins tonight." Or "We went up to Denver this morning."

FYI, we live in Boulder, and North is up and South is down. So by deductive reasoning, I think I can conclude that Fort Collins would be up and Denver would be down. You go DOWN to Denver, not UP there. I didn't realize that North could be up sometimes and down the other times.... because IT CAN'T. The end.

This is me playing the worlds smallest violin...

You know who really grind my gears?

Britney Spears

Britney may be able to spot a “Womanizer,” but it seems she still has a few screws loose. She was quoted today in the reputable publication, “Sun Magazine,” don’t ask why I was reading “Sun,” saying that her new "controlled" lifestyle, resulting from a mental break-down only Amy Winehouse could appreciate, "... feels like Groundhog Day every day," and is "Worse than jail."

Say What?

Do you realize that even in her new “scaled-back” lifestyle, the former Mouseketeer still blows through a cool $1 million a month? That's not a misprint. “I have really good days, and then I have bad days," weird, just like the rest of us unfortunate souls. And to think, I was one of those suckers who actually felt bad for the "poor" girl during her meltdown. Sure fooled me. Britney needs to be a little more thankful for the miracle that is her wellbeing and the fact that she's still alive after the whirl-wind of a year she put herself through. Laying low for a while can only be good for her mind, body and tattered yet slowly rebuilding image/career.

“I think I’ve learnt (again, no misprint) my lesson now and enough is enough.” Well, for the sake of the world, let’s hope that lesson resonates loud and clear through the halls of at least one of her mansions. Poor thing.

Bowl Championship SHIT!

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that ESPN just signed a four year contract with the BCS to start in 2011.

I know I should leave the sports related topics to my brother, but I hate the BCS with a passion that burns like when that slut Tila Tequila takes a piss. Four more years and and an undisclosed amount of cash to guarantee more shiteious rules and no playoffs allowing overrated teams like Alabama and teams like USC year after year in an awful conference be National Championship contenders. BOOOOOOOO.

Hi, I'm a T-Shirt and I'm not even moderately witty

You know what really grinds my gears?

Conversational T-Shirts


Why do people feel the need to express their unimportant and often ignorant opinions, bad pick up lines, and relationship statuses on their chest? I don't care if you could steal someones boyfriend, I know exactly where your dick is, and to be honest I'm slightly offended by a California Raisin giving it to a date. It's bad enough that the type of people who wear these shirts are already huge douchebags, but it's just so sad they feel the need to broadcast their douchiness to the world. What's so wrong with a Hanes Cotton T? It works for Mike and who doesn't wanna be like Mike?

Mipples

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that guys have nipples.

It's really rather strange. Nipples are the male-only version of the appendix. And don't go saying, 'well don't you think it would look weird if guys didn't have nipples?' No I don't. Because we wouldn't be used to them being there so it would be normal and I would be happy. Guys don't lactate, there is no logical reason for them to be there. The only thing I can see is that it makes it easier for guys who want to become gals and get breast implants and then they don't have to get fake nipples put on because they already have their own, hey girlfriend!

Warning: This is kinda funny

You know what really grinds my gears?

Having to be clumped in with the rest of the dumbasses in America.

The manufacturers in America think that either we are all idiots or that it's just safer to market towards those of you who really are. Here are some examples of warning labels proving corporate America thinks we're all a bunch of fuckwads:

Windex: Do not spray in eyes.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Littler: Safe to use around pets.

Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Calvin Klein Shirt Label: Keep away from fire.

Mattress: Do not attempt to swallow.

Pepper Spray: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Sleep Aid Medicine: May cause drowsiness.

Hair Dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

Microwave: Do not use for drying pets.

Toilet Brush: Do not use for personal hygiene.

Container of Salt: High in Sodium.

Warning: These are ALL REAL!!!!

Hate to say I told you so... But I did.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Bad Franchise Management

I began my blogging career a few months ago with a rant about the ineptitude of the Colorado Rockies brother-combo owners, the Monfort Brothers and today's news only helps bolster my argument about them being idiots.

The Rockies best player, Matt Holliday, is reportedly being shipped to Oak-town in exchange for Greg Smith and a slew of other mediocre no-names such as left-handed pitcher Brett Anderson and outfielders Ryan Sweeney and Carlos Gonzales. Come again? Is it just me, or should the 2007 NL MVP (Sorry Jimmy Rollins, I do not recognize the myth that you actually won the award) demand a pitcher with at least a winning record? Smith's pitiful 7-16 record with a 4.16 ERA last season for the A's isn't exactly ace-of-the-staff material. Does anyone truly believe that those numbers will be better at altitude?

The thing that bugs me most about this whole ordeal is that I was actually excited about the possibility of St. Louis Cardinals center fielder Ryan Ludwick, who bested Holliday in home runs last season by an impressive 12 for a total of 37, being the bargaining chip in last weeks talks between Colorado and The Lou. Now that's the kind of trade I can get on board with, get rid of a guy who is gonna be a free agent at the conclusion of the '09 season who with his bulldog of an agent, Scott Boris, will be demanding major cash that the Rockies obviously won't dish out in exchange for a guy without the big name and even better numbers. Makes sense right? apparently too much sense for the Rockies front office. And of all places to go. The A's are notorious for cutting ties with their big-name players in lieu of keeping costs down. Ever read Moneyball? This is probably just another one of Billy Beane's crazy experiments that will somehow save the club a ton of money in the end.

Now the deal seems to be far from completed, "It's still an ongoing discussion," says David Forst, Oakland's assistant general manager. This Rockies fan can only hope that the most recent Holliday trade talks fall through, giving Colorado GM Dan O'Dowd and the Monforts, a little more time to reconsider what they are giving up and who they deserve in return. Trading Holliday is regrettably the right move but one can only hope they stick to their guns and pursue someone worthwhile in return for the man who represents the most memorable play in Rockies history.

Attack Kitty

You know what really grinds my gears?

My stupid fucking cat.

Yes, I know I have already blogged about Kitty. But she is such a bitch! She attacked the shit out of my hand on Friday leaving me with cobra-esque marks on top on my hand and gashes on my wrist that make me look like an Emo kid having a really bad day. My whole hand swelled to the size of a disturbingly lifelike, disfigured hand balloon. I'm this close to putting up an ad on Craigslist just like this guy. (You really do have to follow the link and read it. Seriously.)

This particular attack kitty is not my attack kitty, but it sure is scary.

Mouth numbination

I've decided to ignore everything I could blog about today that revolves around politics and the election that really grinds my gears. I am kind of sad and disappointed in so many things/people that it's just not the right tone for the blog. So instead, something else is really eating at me...

You know what really grinds my gears?

Sore Throat Spray.

Yes, the Chloraseptic Phenol/Oral Anesthetic. It is called "throat spray" if I am not mistaken. I mean that's what it says on the bottle after all. Well they mislabeled it. The stuff numbs the shit out of my entire mouth so that when I spray it before trying to enjoy my Poblano Corn Chowder, I can't taste any of the Poblano delectableness that is my favorite soup from Whole Foods. I demand a recall of all Chloraseptic Sore Throat spray because it is misleading and mislabeled! FDA! Where are you on this one???

shweaty

Hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween full of debauchery! But back to business... you know what really grinds my gears?

Sweaty Palms.

Holding hands = sweaty palms.
Fist bumps = Dry showings of appreciation.


You decide.