Body like Arnold with a Denzel face

You know what really grinds my gears?

Boys.

Yeah. I'm doing it. Boys are stinky, rude, disgusting, immature, cheaters, etc the list could go on and on. And don't worry, this isn't my way of coming out to all of my friends, I still like the peen.... I just need a MAN. Uhhhh (na na na na). That's right, I need a man, a mighty fine man.

So guys, here, in no particular order, are the prerequisites for dating me, if you think you can hang. Which I don't think any of the 10 of you who said you loved me so much you want to marry me could:

-Must be 25+

-Must have own car

-Must not live with parents

-Must be taller than me (Don't want any Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes bullshit going on)

-Must have soul (No gingers)

-Must shower on semi-regular basis

-No heady crystals craziness
-Must be able to out-drink me in a drinking contest/a regular night

-Must never drink martinis in martini glasses in public (order it in a Tom Collins if you absolutely must)

-MUST love whiskey and be able to take shots, no chaser

-Must watch sports

*Poker, Gymnastics, Bowling, Cheerleading, and Billiards are not sports*

-Must know as much/more about sports than I do.

*Poker, Gymnastics, Bowling, Cheerleading, and Billiards are not sports*

-Must not be a Tar Heels fan

-Must not be a Raiders fan

-Must not be a Huskers fan

-Must not be a Lakers or a Celtics fan

-Must not be a Red Wings fan

-Must be a boob guy
-Must love ninjas

-Must aspire to become a ninja if not a ninja already

-Must put up with the fact that I am obsessed with my evil fucking kitty

-Should have dog (not required, but a plus)

-Must be fantastic in the sack

-Must make me laugh til I cry or hyperventilate
-Must not get offended easily, or rather, must not get offended at all (ie dead baby/Helen Keller jokes)

-Must be ok with strange and frequent awkward moments

-Must not believe in any conspiracy theories: ie We never went to the moon, the Bush administration is behind 9/11, the Bible has a code that predicts everything, Michael and LaToya Jackson are the same person, etc

-Must have and use impeccable grammar

-Must use spell-check (but no love letters, those are creepy)

-Must not text, email, or IM in abbreviations

Now, I know this is an intimidating list. But if you lack some criteria, here are a few things that I will allow to trump some shortcomings:

-Just Timberlake similarities

-Bomb ass pizza chef skills

-World famous rockstar status

-Owner of some sort of championship ring - post high school

-Be as funny as my brother (ha, like that's possible)

-Be the exact opposite of everything on the list (because that's what I usually go for...)

So.... My calendar's pretty open Wednesday-Friday. Any takers?

Bah.... I'm going to be single for life.....