Statement Cookies

You know what really grinds my gears?

Statement Cookies.

What's a Statement Cookie you might ask? It's that little cookie at the bottom of your Chinese takeout bag that has a little piece of paper in it that is NOT a fortune. Instead of a something premonitory such as: "You will meet someone special soon." It says bullshit like: "You are a driven person, keep it up." Thanks Statement Cookie, I realize I'm a motherfucking driven person NOW, but I want to know what happens NEXT, like a FORTUNE Cookie is supposed to tell me.

Honestly I would prefer any fortune over a statement even if it was any of these (TRUE!) examples:

-You will be invited to a Karaoke party

-Your present plants will succeed

-A nice cake is waiting for you

-Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today

-You may attend a party where strange customs prevail

-You are going to have new clothes

-You will get a cat to lower your stress level

-You are going to get fat and lose your hair
-You will receive a fortune (cookie)