Bloody harbringer of doom

You know what really grinds my gears?

The big, scary, weird-ass Blue Bronco that stands tall outside of DIA.

(This posting might not apply to you if you haven't flown in/out of Denver in a while or in my case just taken someone/people who is/are flying in/out...//////) My pal Sam and I have made quite a few trips to the airport in the past couple of months and it always seems to be at night when we pass the scary horse-monster with red laser eyes ready to kill anyone who dares to approach DIA and always have the same exact reaction: Seriously, what the fuck?!?! I've started to put out a disclaimer to any out-of-town friends coming in saying, 'Hey, when you leave the airport, can you do me a solid and not make any snap judgements about my entire state based on any freaky equine statues you happen to spot? That'd be rad, thanks.' Because nothing says 'Welcome to Colorado' like the diabolical horse that gives grown men nightmares.And upon further investigation, I discovered that this scary demon-horse apparently killed it's creator. Yeah. The artist that was working on the anatomically correct (yup, HUGE BALLS) "piece of artwork" got crushed to death when it fell on top of him. Pure evil people, I tell ya. Someday it's going to come alive and punish us all for any lapses of faith we've ever had in the Denver Broncos and smother us too with his testicles.



AC/DC - Big Balls - Celebrity bloopers here

Again with the damn bacon

You know what really grinds my gears?

Bacon... AGAIN!

Ok, so my friend Steve-O just posted this about the Bacon Explosion. Bacon is having THE BEST YEAR EVER. Why? No really, why? Will someone tell me why bacon is having this Mickey Rourke - like comeback?? I swear if I find one of these things at any Superbowl parties I attend this Sunday I will John Elway that bitch right out the front door. That'll teach bacon. Yeah.
Oh and PS Kevin Bacon is STILL not cool either.

Hi I'm a PC and I think YOU SUCK

You know what really grinds my gears?

Macs.

Yes Mac computers. And those stupid "Hi, I'm a Mac" commercials. It makes Mac users look like the guy who is a hip, sport-coat-and-sneakers-­wearing type of guy who uses his computer for video chatting, music mash-ups and other cool, creative pursuits. And more so makes the PC user look like that starchy, business-suited guy who could never really appreciate it unless they tried them on the slick Apple interface guy.

Macs are confusing. DO NOT even try to tell me they are easier. Nothing is easier than the Start bar. And it's not a good argument to say that now you can get windows on a Mac! Why would I pay extra for the computer and the operating system when I can get everything I want, need, and use on a less expensive, more reliable machine? And the whole one button mouse thing? Rubbish if you ask me. How do you right click when you only have one button?

If it weren't for the ipod, Apple wouldn't even be in business right now. Mac computers sold only 9.715 million units compared to the ipod's 150 million plus in 2008. Whereas 257 million plus PC's were sold last year.
Summary: Mac, stop talking shit and trying to act all superior until you have the numbers to back it, biotch.


PS. Miss Bee: I know you have a Mac, but since today is your bday, YOU don't grind my gears because of it!! Feliz Cumpleaños!!!!!!

TO is a project

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that they are giving Terrell Owens his own reality television show in Vh1. Goddamm guys, y'all are really losing me here.... First the Tool Academy and now this?!?! What? Do you think TO doesn't get enough attention as it is? The pitch so far is that: “Viewers will discover that behind all the braggadocio, emotional histrionics, and sculpted physique that is the outspoken media magnet known to the world as “T.O.” — there is also a quiet, sensitive, mild-mannered guy from Alexander City, Alabama…that’s Terrell.”
Quiet? Mild-Mannered? Are we talking about the same guy here? I don't believe it. Well it's happening, perhaps while you're at it Vh1, you should also try these shows as well:

-The Almost Newlyweds: Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson ruining Cowboy Country
-Celebrity Get Out of Jail Free Cards: Interviews with Heather Locklear, Nicole Ritchie, and the likes
-Behind the bars: Camera's following OJ around as he drops the soap and gets his first prison tats
-Spidi Revealed: Spencer and Heidi are really aliens! GASP!

gags.

I want my pop culture back!

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that Vh1 hasn't come out with a new season of The World Series of Pop Culture.

That show was awesome. Pitting average everyday people against each other whose lives were consumed with pop culture trivia might have been the greatest idea ever. It benefited me because all the years of storing Karate Kid knowledge and Eminem's real name made me feel ashamed, but with this show, I realized I wasn't alone. Not only was I not alone, there were people even more pathetic than I. I could finally embrace the fact that Friends quotes took up the space in my brain that chemical equations should have be taking. I stood and said, 'My name is GLittle and I am a Pop Culture fanatic." Whew, that felt good.

Do y'all believe in change?

You know what really grinds my gears?

When people get on my case for using the word y'all. I know I'm not from the South (but I did live in Texas for a stint where I could have picked it up OR it might have been my Texan ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years...) but I don't understand what's so wrong with it. It makes perfect sense and really doesn't sound redneck (ahem Jessie) if you give it a chance. Here try this example:

Y'all are a bunch of shit heads. = Perfect

You all are a bunch of shit heads. = Too long. Besides, most of us are lazy anyways and will slur you and all together.

You guys are a bunch of shit heads. = How do you know there aren't any female shit heads in this group?

You are a bunch of shit heads. = That is just incorrect grammar.

So y'all are thinking, GLittle, bad grammar grinds your gears!!! How could you possibly be endorsing y'all? People, times have changed. We have a black president now and I bet Obama has used y'all once or twice in his day. I'm going to petition my good pals Merriam and Webster for the addition of y'all to the English dictionary. Come on, if 'soul patch,' 'unibrow,' and 'mouse potato' can be added, why not y'all?!?

Werd-el

Thanks Jen for showing me Wordle so I can see that as of late, "Shit" is one of my most used words....

Releasing some 'steam'

Instead of a rant, here is a confession from my old favorite, "Best of Craigslist:"

"A hobby of mine that nobody knows about is I like to be the first customer to take a shit at a new business. I find all the new businesses opening up such as grocery stores, Home Depots, restaurants, etc and I will walk in there first minute they are open for business and go right to the men’s room and take a huge shit. I have been doing this for 6 years now and have been the first customer to shit in over 110 stores throughout the area. I always buy something after so I can really be a customer. The night before I usually eat some bean burritos from Taco Bell and follow it up with a 20oz coffee on my way to the store early the next morning so I get the bubble gut which allows me a better chance of destroying the bathroom. I have been the 1st person to shit in many new businesses throughout Northern VA. I currently have 3 businesses that I’m waiting to open up for the public. I will make sure I’m the 1st to shit in the bathroom as a paying customer. I usually flush but sometimes if it’s a massive one that requires a lot of toilet paper I will just leave it sitting, sort of like my calling card."

Sorry, I have a bad case of 'toilet humor.' Just ask my brother TLittle whom I've nicknamed 'Poop.'

Get your free sex here!

You know what really grinds my gears?

When girls kiss their fingers and touch the ceiling of their car as they pass through yellow lights.

I admit it, I used to do it too.... when I was TWELVE, sitting in the back of my mom's mini van. When I turned 16 and was old enough to drive, I had outgrown the silly ritual by about, well, 3 years. Now in my twenties, I have a hard time sitting in a car with my girlfriends who still indulge in this ridiculous game. Best part about it though is 10-15 years later, I think they've all forgotten why they do it. Thank you to Urban Dictionary for reminding us the true background of the game:

"A yellow traffic light indicates you should speed through the intersection and tag the roof of your car. This earns you five minutes of free sex with the person of your choice that night. Multiple tags earn cumulative minutes, but the minutes expire before the next morning.

variation: kissing the fingertips of the hand before tagging the ceiling with it."

Hmm. I guess I forgot the root of it as well. Maybe it's not all that bad after all? Snap out of it GLittle! Why were we doing this at 12 anyways? I mean who taught us this? Is that why we were doing it then? Alright, forget the meaning, it's just ridiculous. The End.

PS Thanks Pancake

Terrorist birds

You know what really grinds my gears?

BIRDS.

I hate birds. With a fiery, incomprehensible passion. It's probably my fear of them that fuels this hatred but whatever it is, all birds should die. And we should invent some sort of bug catching device to keep the bug population down because as we all know, the whole circle of life thing is the only reason why birds are around anyways.

So my little rant doesn't do it for you? You still like that annoying yellow parakeet at your grandma's house? Well birds are so evil they performed a terrorist suicide mission on Flight 1549 today sending it into the Hudson River. Yeah, now tell me birds are still cool.
This photo and how it happened is what GLittle's nightmares are made of.

Ho-Hansson

You know who really grinds my gears?

Scarlett Johansson.

First of all guys, I don't know what the big deal is. She's not that hot. Really she's not. Check out the picture.

Second of all, she needs a major attitude adjustment. When she didn't get nominated for an Oscar for her role in Lost in Translation, she pretty much went Whitney Houston divabitch on all our asses. Dude, you were 19 and didn't really do that great. I mean you were good, but not great.

Finally, she tried to have a singing career which bombed worse than Britney's MTV awards comeback..... If you ever want to test your annoyance endurance, click play below.

Tool Academy

Ok, ok. First and foremost I would like to publicly say that I apologize for my harsh words directed at TLittle and ThePony. I was upset and I admit I acted a smidgen immature. I mean, I still feel the way I do, but I love them both and they know that, so everyone stop getting your panties up in a bunch and chill the fuck out.

Moving on......

You know what really grinds my gears?

The Tool Academy on Vh1.

Those who know me, know I am a sucker for reality television. Seriously. Especially Vh1 reality TV because they chose the 'biggest losers' (pun intended) to compete in the most ridiculous challenges that never relate to ANYTHING in the 'real world' nor do the contestants ever get a 'real chance at love' (I'm on fire!). But my biggest issue with the Tool Academy is that it looks like the goal of the show is to ridicule these douchebags of the century and to get them to change into the perfect boyfriends for their loving and supportive girlfriends. BULLSHIT. In reality, the Tools are not the most idiotic ones on the show. It's the dimwitted, jello-spined girlfriends who haven't already left their piece of shit boyfriends that are the pathetic ones. These girls say, "If he can't make it through Tool Academy, then it's over!" In 'reality' they are saying, "Only after he demeans me on National television will I give him yet another opportunity to continue being my disgusting, dishonest boyfriend." Clearly these girls were never Girl Scouts and missed out on the whole girl power era... poor unfortunate souls.

YOU SUCK!

Drastic times call for drastic measures. ThePony and TLittle are officially being downgraded to 'guest grinders.' I have appreciated TLittle's contributions so I am honorably discharging him with a purple metal in exemplary grinding. However ThePony is being dishonorably discharged for abandonment, which in the military is punishable by death.

They are both welcome to contribute at any time.

I'm so ronrey!

You know what really grinds my gears?

North Korea.

I mean, come on Kim Jong, give it up. Just hand over the nuclear weapons. Let's all just be friends. I think the only possible positive thing about y'all is the Tawkwondo that goes down over there.

En Fuego

I just want to say that I hope all is well with everyone today and that no one was effected by the fires that are still currently burning North Boulder. Everyone be safe and help each other out!

Booth etiquette

You know what really grinds my gears?

When couples sit next to each other in a booth at a restaurant.

I don't know why this one gets me so bad. Maybe because it's just so damn awkward. But that can't be it. I love awkward situations. It must be because Cosmo magazine once (or twice or who knows how many times because I'm pretty sure they recycle all of their material annually) ran an article saying that guys communicate better when they sit next to girls instead of across from them which I call bullshit on. And when I see those couples, I just imagine a sad, sad girl who obsesses over her Cosmo and makes her poor boyfriend sit weirdly next to her instead of across from her. The only consolation is that Cosmo probably taught her to give good blowjobs.

Adventures in online dating

You know what really grinds my gears?

People that think they can get away with posting a deceiving photo as their default on dating sites.

Ha.Ha. I know what you're thinking, "Oh GLittle, what are YOU doing on an online dating site? You're so fly that the men flock to you in hordes." Well a friend and I got curious the other day and checked out match.com which got the gears turning and eventually, grinding.

I mean a guy sees this and thinks, "Sweet, she's got huge titties!"
Then when she sits next to you at the coffee shop for the first date and she looks like this, you can't help but feel duped, yes?

Luff-What?

You know what really grinds my gears?

Luffas.

In theory, they're great. But in reality, they're just a pain in the ass. They rip apart if they catch even the slightest corner or sharp object (don't freak out, razors are sharp objects people, yes, you too have sharp objects in the shower.) And besides, with all those little crevices, don't you think they could really trap and hold onto bacteria? I do. I'm protesting against luffas. Who wants to join the fight??


PS Apparently what I'm talking about is really called a "Mesh Sponge" (thanks google images for correcting me). But who has ever called this thing a "mesh sponge?" It's a luffa, moron. Damn, now that's grinding my gears too....