No talking in the toilet room

You know what really grinds my gears?

When other women try to socialize with me in the bathroom.

When I go to the bathroom, or restroom, if you will, I am there for one purpose and one purpose only. No need to expand on what that purpose is you all get the idea. The majority of the time, I can go in there sit in my stall, come out, wash my hands, and leave. But I'm starting to notice an increase in those who want to make small talk, ask me questions, and even ask me to do something work related for them. Once a woman even dared to guess who I was while we were both sitting next to each other based on what shoes I had on!

"Mary? Is that you next to me? I think those are your shoes!"

"Fuck off lady, it's not Mary, and I'd rather NOT get into an awkward conversation with you about how fucking socially retarded you are for even trying that in the first place."

At what point did the bathroom stop being a safe haven and retreat and start becoming a social atmosphere? And I'm not at a bar with friends and we're not gossiping about the stupid shit girls gossip about in the bathroom. No one is doing my hair or lending me cute super-glittery lip gloss. No. It's 2:30 in the afternoon. We're in an office building. Don't talk to me.

Girls, am I crazy? Does anyone else notice this trend?
Guys, has this ever been an issue?

A Gear Grinder's Dream

I have a dream that one day everyone will stop misusing you're, your, they're, their, there, were, we're, alot, a lot, and act like we all have at least a middle school education. And that everytime will finally be recognized as the real word that it is.

I have a dream that Kanye West and Luke Walton will fall in love, but due to the unfortunate and ridiculous fact that Americans are still not completely OK with interracial, homosexual relationships, the two star crossed lovers will decide to give up all the fame and money for their love and move to France and stay there. Quietly. No basketball, music or blogging.

I have a dream that one day my kitty will stop being a psycho, attack-kitty bitch!

OH I HAVE A DREAM TODAY!

I have a dream that identical twins will unite across the planet with a message to us all that they have joined hands and decided to dress identically every.damn.day.

I have a dream that hipster Mac users, ultimate tools, douchebag McGee's, That Guy, Sarah Palin look-alike Tina Fey, people who don't give courtesy waves, and neo-radical-progressive-hippies will all be sucked into a vortex and end up on Plant I-think-I'm-too-cool-for-you and stay there forever trying to out-cool each other all day, everyday. One day they'll all die off from exhaustion from coolness exercises and they'll never reproduce on Planet Earth.

I have a dream that people will stop being so goddamn annoying and grinding my gears so hard (that's what she said) everyday that I walk this beautiful earth. And when that happens!!!.... you all will be sad because you won't have anything so hilariously funny to read 2-3 times a week. Ahhh fucktarts, it's not happening anytime soon... A girl can dream though, can't she?

Really? Still? Cap?

You know what STILL really grinds my gears?

The Rally Cap.

Last night, at the Shady Pony softball game, a couple of my wonderful teammates thought it would be cute to don the Rally Cap at the top of the 7th inning when we were down by 6 runs. I told them they looked stupid because, well, they did. Then they told me I was fired from the Dark Horse. I responded: "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME! I QUIT!" But of course, they can't fire me, I don't even work at the Dark Horse....

Rally Caps even look stupid on babies.

You don't even know the Devil....

You know what really grinds my gears?

The Devil's advocate.

No, not the movie. When someone says, "I'm just going to play the Devil's advocate here," they are pretty much saying, "I think your argument is faulty, I don't want to cause tension by telling you that, so I'm going to cover my ass with an overused term that pretty much means shit." If you really don't agree, sack up, grow some balls, and get into with me. Don't bring the Devil into it, it's you. And you are being fucking obnoxious.

Now and again someone really does just try to 'play the Devil's advocate' by creating turmoil by bringing up something whether they agree with it or not. Now that's just arguing for the sake for arguing, which is just plain stooopid.

Sry, I cnt undrstnd U

You know what really grinds my gears???

Text message and instant message short hand.

If I say: "What are you up to right now?"

And you say: "Jus chillen atm common ova"

I read it as: "Just chilling at the automated teller machine with the common ovaries."

I mean, I know that doesn't make sense. But for it to actually mean: "Just chilling at the moment, come on over." is shenanigans to me!!! Let's break it down:

Jus=Just: Ok, I can live with that because my 't' is a little sticky on my Blackjack II keyboard so my 'justs' occasionally turn in 'jus.'

chillen=chilling: If you HAVE to abbreviate, can't you abbreviate it properly by just dropping the 'g' instead of dropping the 'g' AND replacing the 'i' with an 'e?'

atm=at the moment: The first time I saw this one, I had to text the person back and ask what exactly atm meant because atm to me has always meant the machine that gives me money.

common=come on: Errrrrrg this one is awful on a whole different level because it is a perfectly good word being used as a retarded abbreviation for two different words that have no relation WHATSOEVER to the word in misuse. Common means ordinary, regular, general, etc. NOT come on. There aren't even two m's in come on!!! COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!

ova=over: Don't try to be gangsta and turn 'er' into 'ah.' It's just stupid.

A few more abbreviations that get me scratching my head/pulling my hair out:

LOL: Only use lol if you are actually lol'ing. Don't use it as an awkward way to try to add humor to a statement you've made. It's like an awkward giggle when you know you've said something stupid. Just don't say anything stupid that you need to cover up with an awkward laugh. That's the beauty of text and IM is that you have time to decide what you are going to write in order to avoid said awkwardness...
ROFL/ROLF: No one rolls on the floor and laughs past age 3. I like ROLF better because it's like "what you've said is so funny I'm going to ROLF rooooooolfffffff."

Sry: That's like a halfassed apology where you mutter it under your breath and don't make eye contact. Don't apologize if you don't mean it. And if you mean it, say SORRY.

2nite: Yuck, I'm not hanging out with you tonight.

Tho: Just read this.

LMAO: LAME is how it translates to me.

R/U: Shortening a 3 letter word to a 1 letter word really just doesn't make sense to me.

NEWAY: You are really only dropping one letter, the 'a' AND you're adding an 'e' that doesn't need to be nor does belong there.

I'm sorry people. I really must be the exception to this new language our laziness is reducing us to using. Because 80% of my friends (including the intelligent ones who read my blog) use shorthand. I plan on never stopping using full sentences, proper grammar, and correct spelling even if it is in the casual arena of text or IM. Because to me, there are some things I never want to see die out, like the polar bears, chivalry, blow jobs, and proper grammar.

Ninja Pastafarian?

You know what really greases my gears?

This thread on Yahoo! Answers

A Ninja contemplates joining the church of Pastafarianism..... Great read.

You're Ugly But You Intrigue Me

You know what really grinds my gears?

Pop Song Titles.

Some song titles have intriguing origins, for example, it's interesting to learn that Eric Clapton's 'Layla,' and 'Wonderful Tonight," and George Harrison's 'Something' were all inspired by the same woman, Pattie Boyd. But when I found out that Alanis Morissette's rage filled, fuck yeah song, 'You Oughta Know' was written about Full House's Joey aka Dave Coulier, I was pissed. Popeye impersonating Joey?!? CUT IT OUT!

Here are a few more examples of strange Pop song titles and where I suppose they might have come from....

'Boom Boom Pow' - The Black Eyed Peas: Clearly, the BEP's are avid Batman comic fans

'If U Seek Amy' - Britney Spears: I've yet to even hear this song and I'm going to keep it that way. I refuse to support anyone that obviously didn't pass third grade grammar class... 'U' does NOT equal 'You.' argggg...

'My Life Would Suck Without You' - Kelly Clarkson: It's for Simon. Kelly's life would suck without that angry, yet lovable Brit.

'Speed of Sound' - Coldplay: How fast Chris Martin can write a song once he's decided which Radiohead song to rip off.

'Let's Get it On' - Marvin Gaye: Why can't all song titles be straight forward like this one? So clear and to the point. No beating around the bush, let's just get it on. Like my favorite pickup line: Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

How about you, loyal readership? Any song titles that grind your gears???

So be it...

You know really grinds my gears?

Those Sobe Lizards.

Anyone else think they're pretty creepy? Plus, lizards don't dance. And I feel like if they did, they'd be better dancers than the Sobe Lizards.... Also, I think the whole lizard spokesperson market is already adequately filled with the Geico Gecko. That gecko is classy, polished, believable, and eloquent. Why yes Mr. Gecko, I would like to spend 15 minutes or less to save over 15% on my car insurance. Whereas the Sobe Lizards resort to having the always angry maniac Namoi Cambell make cameos in their commercials. I used to like Sobe, now I see it, think of the lizards slithering around the bottles hissing and dancing like 12 year olds in their first hip hop class, and I turn to Vitamin Water formula 50. Because even 50 Cent has more brand appeal than those weird-ass chameleons....

Body like Arnold with a Denzel face

You know what really grinds my gears?

Boys.

Yeah. I'm doing it. Boys are stinky, rude, disgusting, immature, cheaters, etc the list could go on and on. And don't worry, this isn't my way of coming out to all of my friends, I still like the peen.... I just need a MAN. Uhhhh (na na na na). That's right, I need a man, a mighty fine man.

So guys, here, in no particular order, are the prerequisites for dating me, if you think you can hang. Which I don't think any of the 10 of you who said you loved me so much you want to marry me could:

-Must be 25+

-Must have own car

-Must not live with parents

-Must be taller than me (Don't want any Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes bullshit going on)

-Must have soul (No gingers)

-Must shower on semi-regular basis

-No heady crystals craziness
-Must be able to out-drink me in a drinking contest/a regular night

-Must never drink martinis in martini glasses in public (order it in a Tom Collins if you absolutely must)

-MUST love whiskey and be able to take shots, no chaser

-Must watch sports

*Poker, Gymnastics, Bowling, Cheerleading, and Billiards are not sports*

-Must know as much/more about sports than I do.

*Poker, Gymnastics, Bowling, Cheerleading, and Billiards are not sports*

-Must not be a Tar Heels fan

-Must not be a Raiders fan

-Must not be a Huskers fan

-Must not be a Lakers or a Celtics fan

-Must not be a Red Wings fan

-Must be a boob guy
-Must love ninjas

-Must aspire to become a ninja if not a ninja already

-Must put up with the fact that I am obsessed with my evil fucking kitty

-Should have dog (not required, but a plus)

-Must be fantastic in the sack

-Must make me laugh til I cry or hyperventilate
-Must not get offended easily, or rather, must not get offended at all (ie dead baby/Helen Keller jokes)

-Must be ok with strange and frequent awkward moments

-Must not believe in any conspiracy theories: ie We never went to the moon, the Bush administration is behind 9/11, the Bible has a code that predicts everything, Michael and LaToya Jackson are the same person, etc

-Must have and use impeccable grammar

-Must use spell-check (but no love letters, those are creepy)

-Must not text, email, or IM in abbreviations

Now, I know this is an intimidating list. But if you lack some criteria, here are a few things that I will allow to trump some shortcomings:

-Just Timberlake similarities

-Bomb ass pizza chef skills

-World famous rockstar status

-Owner of some sort of championship ring - post high school

-Be as funny as my brother (ha, like that's possible)

-Be the exact opposite of everything on the list (because that's what I usually go for...)

So.... My calendar's pretty open Wednesday-Friday. Any takers?

Bah.... I'm going to be single for life.....