Moving is a bitch.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Moving.

If moving was a dude, I'd kick him so hard in the nuts, there would be no chance for procreation. You would think that since moving into the dorms as a bright eyed freshman and now I'm on my 13th move, I'd be a pro, aint no thang but a chicken wang, right? Wrong. Moving is a bitch. It's a big fat bitch. It's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. If there ever was a bitch, it's the biggest bitch. It's a bitch to all the boys and girls. I have to have my shit done by the end of the night tonight or I'm F'd in the A. Bleh.

And for those of you who are in the same miserable situation, here's a tip: Don't put all your boxes in one box.

If you really love me...

If you really love me then you will buy me this t-shirt:

Statement Cookies

You know what really grinds my gears?

Statement Cookies.

What's a Statement Cookie you might ask? It's that little cookie at the bottom of your Chinese takeout bag that has a little piece of paper in it that is NOT a fortune. Instead of a something premonitory such as: "You will meet someone special soon." It says bullshit like: "You are a driven person, keep it up." Thanks Statement Cookie, I realize I'm a motherfucking driven person NOW, but I want to know what happens NEXT, like a FORTUNE Cookie is supposed to tell me.

Honestly I would prefer any fortune over a statement even if it was any of these (TRUE!) examples:

-You will be invited to a Karaoke party

-Your present plants will succeed

-A nice cake is waiting for you

-Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today

-You may attend a party where strange customs prevail

-You are going to have new clothes

-You will get a cat to lower your stress level

-You are going to get fat and lose your hair
-You will receive a fortune (cookie)

Keep it in the hourglass

You know what really grinds my gears?

Sand.

This is one of huge debate. I know a lot of people will claim my aversion to sand comes from growing up in a landlocked state with my closest body of water being the Rez... But I kind of feel that my reasons and scenarios in which I hate sand would apply regardless of where I grew up.

I don't know how else to explain it better than I did in a conversation with my friend and fellow *occasional* blogger, SO:

GLittle:

and as much as i hate sand, i feel like i should live by the ocean once in my life

SO:

you hate sand? what the hell is wrong with you?
i thought you wanted to be a beach bum

GLittle:
right. i like the ocean. but i just hate sand.
i mean i can usually put up with it
but i still hate it

SO:
i suppose you enjoy peanut butter and hate jelly
or love cheese but hate ham

GLittle:
like pb&j, hate ham

SO:
or tofu ham

GLittle:

hahaha no such thing

SO:

yet

GLittle:
true
i should invent it, make millions
then i can move somewhere exotic with sand and have someone put down some of that spongy stuff that all playgrounds are built on these days

SO:

ha

GLittle:
so when i get in and out of the water and i don't have to touch the sand

SO:
i think you should no longer be able to claim a love of the ocean if you hate sand. they are one in the same

GLittle:
i don't agree
i don't mind wet sand when i'm wet
and i don't mind dry sand when i'm not wet or clammy or drinking a perspiring beverage
but dry sand/wet body=hatred for sand
well and i hate sand down my shirt, in my shoes, anywhere else it catches.
dry sand, dry body

SO:

i hear there are these crazy new things called towels. they stop you from being wet, hence sand won't stick to you

GLittle:

BUT walking from the water to the towel, WHICH by the way is usually covered in dry sand, means i still get dry sand stuck on my wet body
Thus the playground spongy stuff is a perfect solution

SO:

i find that argument week and unconvincing

GLittle:

fair enough, i'm not trying to turn you off of sand. i never try to force my beliefs on others, but i stand by what i said. my name is GLittle and i hate sand.

*Footnote: The medical term for fear of sand is Eremikophobia. I don't have that. I can't even pronounce that. Ornithophobia? Perhaps... but I might go as far as saying GLittle isn't afraid of anything, so probably not.

Plain Clothed Ninja

Every now and then a person comes around and changes you. Today and for me, that person is Damien Walters. A man with the most amazing ninja skills I have ever seen. I salute you, Damien Walters, the plain clothed ninja extrodinaire!

ROCKTARDS

You know what really grinds my gears?

The fact that Brad Hawpe has a Nickelback song for his up-to-bat song.

Here's a little diddy about Brad Hawpe and a Nickelback song....

I was lucky enough to be able to attend two Rockies games this weekend and see three players who will be competing in tonight's MLB All Star game: The Rockies' Brad Hawpe and Jason Marquis, and Atlanta's Brian McCann. On Saturday night, I was sitting up in the 3rd deck eating a soft pretzel dipped in a cheese cup and drinking my 11teenth beer when I thought I might have heard what sounded like Brad Hawpe walking up to bat while Nickelback's "Rock Star" blared in the background. Fortunately I was 15 sheets to the wind and was able to push it out of my mind.

Sunday, after obliterating my memory the night before, I settled into shaded, first deck seats with my brother and 92 year old grandfather with a new soft pretzel, new cheese cup, and this time a gigantic diet coke, hoping for a Rockies win. Low and behold Brad Hawpe approaches home plate and what do I hear in my hungover and pounding head? 'Rock Star' by none other than Nickleback. As you can imagine, this greatly upsets me. I explode at TLittle, "Are you fucking serious? Our All Star representative has a NICKELBACK song for his at-bat music? You've got to be fucking kidding me. No, this won't do. I will not let Brad Hawpe represent me, my team, and the whole goddamn state of Colorado if he listens to Nickelback." Then slowly, my ears began to bleed from Chad Kroeger beginning to belt out the few vowels and consonants he ever learned in his life... Not really, but it felt like it...

TLittle tried to defend him by saying, "I don't know that that is really his song, sometimes they just play random music." I took this into account because we had already heard around six MJ songs. I settled back into my chair, absorbing the other batter's song choices. Obviously Todd Helton has a great country song and pleasingly Garrett Atkins had Timbland's 'What I are' playing as he approached the plate. I waited anxious and hopeful that when Hawpe came back around, the song playing would be anything, ANYTHING but Nickelback... alas, "We all just wanna be big rocktards etc etc other poetic lyrics" came playing yet again. I was crushed. Why Brad Hawpe? Why????

Awesomeness

You know what really doesn't grind my gears?

These Ninja parents.

Don't worry. I'm not out of original material nor things that do grind my gears. I have just been lucky enough to stumble across a few gems as of late.

Stop in the name of grammar!

You know what really doesn't grind my gears?

This T-Shirt:

My pal Young Leighzy pointed it out to me today. I was going to say that if any of you people loved me, you would buy it for me. But as I was writing this post, TLittle bought it for me. He's the coolest.